@PeachCoffin: *admires David at the museum* I can't believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
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@DamienFahey: About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
@clyderun: The ex hasn't moved out yet. To make her uncomfortable I left a new box of condoms out on the table. She retaliated with a pregnancy kit.
@GoldenSpirals: Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven't answered her email and she wouldn't know the new address to send it to.