*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
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I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever