Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
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Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
This guy gets it.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good