Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
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landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.