Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
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I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”