It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
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My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Lmao
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.