Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
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One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?