Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
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I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.