[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
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If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”