[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
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“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
😬
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.