Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
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So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Reporter: *ports again*
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Wake me when AI does housework
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.