I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
You Might Also Like
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.