oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
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Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.