@eedrk: adrenaline does crazy shit to the human body. i saw a lady trapped under a car and suddenly felt a surge of energy so i went to the gym
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@PaperWash: [1st date] me: are you cold? date: *shivering* a little me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
@Reverend_Scott: How to open new toy: 1. Cut tape with machete. 2. Take shot. 3. Undo 23,518 twist ties. 4. Take 3 shots. 5. Watch child play with box.
@JohnLyonTweets: I've never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
@BlindChow: Your honor, may I approach the bench? "You may." *walks up to bench* *boops judge's nose*