[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
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I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
My life coach traded me.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]