@leshnevsky: Adroit python swallowed male and female rabbits and doesn't need a food anymore.
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@psybermonkey: [Getting chased by cops after heist] Me: Damn, I can't shake 'em. It's like they're one step ahead of us. Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
@ericsshadow: [flying remote control helicopter near my wife] GET THAT THING AWAY FROM MY- [helicopter gets tangled in her hair & now I'm a dead person]
@whatmaddness: Traffic fantasy: - Someone does something stupid - I give them "the look" - They learn their lesson - The roads are safer because of me
@Phook75: I'm 89% certain I'm technically still dating at least 3 women from the late 90's early 2000's cause I left for beer and never came back