*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
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‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Just why bro?!
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.