I only say stupid things when I talk.
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My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
okay run it by me one more time
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.