Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
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Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?