ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
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Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Can’t. Being lazy.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL