*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
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[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.