I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
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Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes