Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
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Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
this is what they would have looked like, though
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die