@ddsmidt: Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
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@juicymorsel: Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she "couldn't make it in to work." This is called managing upwards, people.
@HomeProbably: After 10 missed calls in a row, I'm tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
@Kyle_Lippert: Steps to getting into her pants: 1) Wait for her to fall asleep 2) Take her pants off 3) Put them on yourself 4) Find a top that matches
@internetluke: [wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work] So the actors really don't die? "No" So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead? *she sighs*