@ddsmidt: Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
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@TheNardvark: TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
@AndyRichter: Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
@JasonLastname: As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying