Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
can’t talk my ride’s here
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Go girl power!
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”