Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
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I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*