Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
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“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants