What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
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[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet