Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
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me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
I created you as mosquito food.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Okay me first
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.