@Smethanie: Adulthood is like the vet, and we're all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we're going.
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@EndhooS: Me: I wish u'd bring back my 1st pet Genie: No blood magic Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
@VictorscarletJ: I know we just got divorced, but would you mind showing my girlfriend how to make an omelet the way I like them?
@mrjohndarby: [waking up on sunday morning] me: ugh, I can't believe what I did last night *looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
@internetluke: [interview for fireman] "So why do you think you're a good fireman?" I lit the building on fire "What?" Now watch as I try to put it out