Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.

@cynicanoldicus: I had pamphlets printed up for when someone asks what's wrong with me.

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@rolldiggity: Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for "Race," I add a question mark and then write, "Anytime. Anywhere."

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@SardonicTart: No, I don't need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.

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@MUMSIEesq: ME: I should get out of bed. FRIEND: I already ran 9.5 miles and baked 17 cakes. M: I might shower today. F: My husband invented showers.

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@GriffonTaylonYo: Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK! Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun

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