Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
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There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed