@cakemittens: Adulthood - Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
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@tat2dsoccermom: Probably should not have driven home from the bar last night.. especially considering I walked there.
@Nickadoo: Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I'm beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson's daughter.
@Bez: When someone texts "whatcha doin" after midnight the appropriate response is "someone else" even if you're just eatin' pizza all alone.
@omgthatspunny: The comedian stopped at the fabric store on his way to a comedy gig. He was looking for new material.