Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
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Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Well, this certainly took a turn
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work