Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
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a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.