“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
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If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
is it earth
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Finally, a door that understands me
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol