Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
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them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
it was love at first sight
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
excuse me
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes