friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
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4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*