Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
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“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
My dress code is business-casualty.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse