Oh my God.
You Might Also Like
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
road rage
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.