@kumailn: Advertisers think we're like "Oh a pop-up ad is in the way of the thing I actually want to watch? I should purchase whatever it's selling!"
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@HeidiCF8: Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I like cake.
@Sickayduh: Professor: "Did you just show up drunk to my exam?" No way "Hungover then?" Nope "There's a lime wedge on your face"
@flashember: [Doctor's Office] Seal: My flippers are sore. Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
@timdonakowski: Been married six months and I can't even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.