advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
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I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.