@KristinHalbrook: Advice for all girls: You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. But you catch the most flies with corpses.
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@iwearaonesie: me: Go back! uber driver: Did I miss the turn? me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
@notacroc: WIFE: don't be weird at the party tonight ME: am i ever weird? [dinner party] CHERYL: how's the soup taste? ME: like the blood of my enemies
@huntigula: Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man's body! I want the procedure, doc. Dr.: Very well. Just relax.. *puts bow on Pacman's head