I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
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There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”