Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
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*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.