Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
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Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>