Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
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I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”