Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
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[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough