advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
You Might Also Like
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?