I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
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Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
I need this for my side hustle.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Yoga Matt
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument