My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
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“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
relationship goals
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.