@Lowenaffchen: *affixes a second leash to a hot babes dog while shes tying her shoe* would you look at that. we have the exact same dog. this is incredible
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@KatieBurnett: The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
@ibid78: "Pick a pencil. Look at it. Now put it back with the other pencils. Was your pencil the number 2?"-Steve, shitty pencil magician
@RadioShorty: So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
@iwearaonesie: Pro tip: Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap