@Lowenaffchen: *affixes a second leash to a hot babes dog while shes tying her shoe* would you look at that. we have the exact same dog. this is incredible
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@ConorTripler: my GOTH DAD license plate is not a vanity plate it is a coincidence. random string of letters. could ve happened to a dad without eyeliner
@OfficialMizGin: My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
@MatCro: [break-in] BURGLAR: [cracks safe] COP: Not so fast, kiddo BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
@TheToddWilliams: Earth: Goodnight Moon Moon: … Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’ Moon: … Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate Moon: Whatever