Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
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Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.