[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
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My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me