Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
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I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Deer are just ballerina dogs
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.