The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
You Might Also Like
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
I hate everything
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable