{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
You Might Also Like
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
I feel seen
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Intelligence is the new cleavage
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
🤣🤣💀
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.