{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
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I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
guys i’ve cracked the code
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.