11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
(more comics:
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
That’s what I call a flat tire
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.